Wednesday, June 23, 2010

i am making a post early this morning..... too early for me to be having coherent thought really.... but a few things have happened in the last 24hrs i feel i should talk about! well the day before yesterday at about 10am a dear friend of mine called me to say her cousin in law had just died at the age 42 of breast cancer.
this friend of mine has been an amazing friend to me since we first met in kindergarten. this friend herself had thyr0id cancer and cervical cancer and with what i have gone through with my everything, we have been there for each other many many times.
every time something has happened i have called her, i was the first one she called to say she had cancer and the first one she called to say she left the dr. to find out she had been clean a year.
she and i have had many long conversations about fighting for your life, about what in life is worth fighting for and about what in this life is a waste of precious time, time that tics by so quickly when you are counting your days......
in our conversations we have shared times when we were betrayed and disappointed by those we loved and trusted and we have loved and supported each other when things happened that were to painful to ever talk about anyone else........
this friend and i have talked about the belief that we share, every thought creates a feeling, every feeling a person feels in stored in their body. every kink in you neck, every stomach ache, every head ache can be traced back to a feeling or thought. every bad feeling that get held on too get stored and saved and turned into something bad. my friend and i have discussed our hard feelings and have helped each other learn ways to let them go. this is way i adore therapy! this is why i have gone to al anon, aa, na, support groups for everything i can think of, this is why i love going to church any church..... because i will talk and talk and talk about every bad thing that has ever happened to me and every bad thought i have every had to everyone who will listen because i will not live with it! i will face the truth, i will identify it, i will embrace it, i will name it and own it and i will then let it go! i pray everyday for God to show me how to let it is this gal's funeral, i will not be going, niether will my friend, she for her reasons and me for mine.
today i will take star and amber to a pool party. she was left here with only the clothes on her back. so we went out yesterday and found her a bathing suit and she is excited to go.
when i write on this blog i feel invisible, i don't say or do anything to make myself look like anything! i assumed no one was listening and i certainly would never say or do anything to purposefully hurt anyone! not because i am so saintly and good as some people like to make a show of being, but because i know what hurt and hate does to me and i guard my thoughts and feelings against anything negative WITH MY LIFE!
so the summer camp fun little girl project for the day will be pool party, jewelry making, rug weaving.... then amber will go home the end of this week because my 74 yr old father must make a trip out of town to get his car, because he can't stop helping people who should be helping themselves.....

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